I’ve been doom scrolling since 2020. 

It got worse post-Covid cause it became a habit. 

I’ve tried to break it. I’ve deleted the app more times than i can count only to find myself downloading it again hours or only a few days later. 

5 years ago i was on tiktok alot but i was also doing other things as well like frequenting the gym and running outdoors. ani mcm i swear, i feel like my eyeballs sometimes are glued to the screen mcm my muscle memory has evolved to thumb scrolls even in my sleep and i swear my adhd mikin terok. The addiction is real. i need to find a hobby. 

i need to start running again. but i tink i also need to pick-up something else. like i dont know? Mandarin? – not the fruit.  French?I’ve been meaning to take up french again for years, maybe this is the best time to do it. for the sake of breaking unhealthy cycle that has gone for too long. 

i went for french classes early 2012 before i can i say REPETE SILVOUPLAIT i was sent to korea for a short assignment. that’s when i realised i shouldve taken up korean instead. skali lapas atu kana antat ku ke Brussels. despite being in a french speaking city, i never picked it up. i dont know why, maybe it was Brexit? orterrorist bombings? maybe it was the tunnel renovations that never saw the light at the end? i did not have the time or appetite to learn it again properly. i survived with  my market french. oui oui. non non. entre entre!!! un sac sivouplait? carre four? kalau mau lawa lagi , sophisticated lagi, cest carre four? (mcm si banar).  

maybe the time is now. karang tah ku meliat brapa harganya belajar bahasa perancis ani. point is for me to scroll less. run more and the ocassional oui cest caaaa, jadore jadore mon chaton.

kiss me. 

i realised i only blogged twice last year.

rang in the new year with family in serusop. took us a life time to start up the bbq. it was a first for all of us. lama rupanya kan start charcoal ani. we started at 7pm and only ate at 9pm. and i lied, we didnt really ring in the new year in serusop, we went home at 11:30pm and ushered in the new year with me wishing matt a happy new year mid toothbrushing just before bed.

2025 was obviously exhausting and i am ready to let it go. but i will keep with me those who were there for me through the highs and lows.

starting the new year with clarity and purpose. Free Palestine.

<3

I found my wedding ring today.. after what felt like an eternity of panic. I can’t have nice things banar. Been married for a second and i’ve already lost a potential family stone. haha.

Matt was initially against buying a ring for me. he argued that its symbolism wasn’t exactly islamic. but i insisted and matt being a happy wife happy life guy relented ( thank you love u) . so anyway, this made the moment i realised it was gone all the more terrifying! instantly, his voice played in my head.. a mental ig reel of I TOLD YOU SOs. like how do u tell ur brand new husband that uve already lost the very thing u begged for?! ? tapi aku bagitau saja sal aku takut aku nda betidur.

the moment i noticed it was missing i launched into a full csi suv mode. ku check semua my security cameras dirumah atu macam aku ani kraja security di bank .. . but as usual kan? it’s aaaaaaaaalways when it really matters – the quality of the footage atu mcm telipun nokia 2000 tia. i kudnt figure out if i was wearing a ring or not but what was clear i had worn in when i left home last week. i just don’t know if i lost it diluar or dirumah. so whatever. i already called up the jeweler to check if they had another one in stock.. so if i cant ind then i can simply replace it and pretend this crisis never happened. laki ku tau plang. tuhan tau. aku tau. tapi kamu mana tau hahaha.

i was pretty low the whole week and i tot i should check w my therapist. not to talk about the ring saja of course but also other things. towards the end of the session i declared “i think i have adhd! diagnose me pls!”

i explained to him that I’ve been losing things since I was little, I can’t do math. I’m messy. I lose focus easily. If that’s not on some kind of spectrum, then what ijjit??? And honestly, i was really beating myself up for misplacing the wedding ring. and i think knowing something if i have adhd would help me in the long run. mcm it would explain most of my childhood too. heh. so anyway dr. said to come back with my old school records. mm.. nanti tah ah. huhu.

so anyway this morning i was clearing empty boxes of skincare when something fell into the sink. to my absolute shock and relief it was the ring. beshukur tah ku tu. i went through such an ordeal banar. be doa siang malam. minta mimpi dimana cincin atu haha. sampai minta kana diagnose adhd. pisan.

i dont know about you but im counting my blessings this week.

ok tq

you need a special pillow to sleep on.

you have to have several versions of minyak panas or menthol balm in your side drawers.

your brain stops functioning after 8pm.

you need to have structured screen time and make a conscious effort to put your phone down at least an hour before bed, or you risk lying awake until the early hours of the morning.

tapi perhaps yang paling sobering isnt the joint pains and the sluggish metabolism.. , the real kicker is when you’re chatting with a Gen Z at work and you casually mention Brunei’s APEC hosting in 2000, and they hit you with “Oh wow, were you there?” .

lai.. kaka ani bukan ancient history ni lai dear. hahahaha 2000 i was 15!!!!!!!! nah cuba cium ni menthol inhaler ani refresh kan pengliatan dan minda mu…jangan kau liat kaka betudung2 mcm buajah ani tua… banarnya muda masih.. *pasang lagu tenxi garam dan madu*

malam…chaos inihhhh….~~

sigh

An old reader recently reminded me of a post I had written years ago about my experience in a singing competition in Melbourne.. this was a lifetime ago. I was struck by how detailed i was in my writing … as if I wanted the entire world to know my every move.  If platforms like ig had existed then i think ill be in all sorts of trouble kana reddit kali haha. maybe.

these days i am more cautious. i guess it’s a case of you living and learning. dulu semuuaaaaaaaa kalau bulih ku jadikan kawan ku. but not everyone has good intentions, some people appear “kind”, “alim” yang anu jinis tunggang langgak sembahyang ..haha but their actions in the longterm tell a different story. banarnya, those who seem the most trustworthy are the ones to be most wary of. nya urang.. a wolf in sheep’s clothing. a snake in the grass.

I’ll be entering my 40s this year and i’ve never felt more content with my super small circle of friends. I like to think that im sincere. direct but at my core, sincere. i approach friendships with honesty but not everyone reciprocates. ive learnt that some friendships are simply not built to last..such as

• friends you met when you were younger – attached to the hip.. berabis. shared the same interests same humour, same fashion sense.. music taste ..but as time passes you find yourselves drifting apart. nda tia ngam lagi. inda lagi “sekufu” nya urang. which is sad but i guess that’s how the cookie crumbles.

• then, there are friends made through trauma bonding. the ones formed in moments of shared grievances, often over someone else. these ive learned are the most fragile and toxic. these friendships thrive on negativity on gossip and group chats filles with screenshots of someone else’s shortcomings. ive been guilty of it myself. i remember the amount of times i’d screenshot a post skali drop it dalam the group chat untuk mengucapkan secara bejamaah ..knowing very well that if the situation was flipped, i’d hate to be on the receiving end!

• and then ada yang what i like to call performative friends.. yang eksen dpn urang “ani kwn baik ku ni!!!!!” “i miss you sooo muchhhhh!!!!” they just loveeeeee making grand gestures in public tp sebenarnya they dont actually care. it’s all optics supaya ia nampak mcm orang yang terbaik dan banyak kawan di dunia ani rather than being an actual good friend.

• of course, the competitor friend. yang sebenarnya dalam diam, dangki kan kau. the one that downplays your achievements. kiasu hantap. ani paling heart breaking ni org cani ani.

• but ultimately, they can also a “pick and mix” of all the above.

these days i only want to be around people who nourish my soul. kalau dulu u cari kawan yang cool.. yang dangan curi2 besigup.. begauk.. cari kwn yang siuk dangan gosip.. sibuk bckp sal urang.. awal ani aku mencari kawan yang banar2 baik and jujur. no hidden agendas. yang skupu (sekufu).

amin.

i know im not perfect. ive made mistakes. there were times i wasnt the best friend that i could be. but i guess growth is about realising that. and i want to be better.

sekian terima kasih.

sekissme kassis.

PS: i really wanted this to be a funny post. tp mcm inda menjadi hahahaha.

PPS: hello back to the person who dropped a hi on the last post. tq for reading. i hope u have a good week.

it’s been a long time since i last flicked through a rom com. i saw two last night. A millenium classic , Serendipity and a more recent Woody Allen piece – A Rainy Day in New York. The latter i watched at 1.5x speed.

just waiting for my food now..

it’s February. My diet hasnt started and i’m out of panadol.

ok bye.

I am currently en-route to Lima. The last stretch of meetings this year. Whaddayaknow it’s November. It’s been a long bumpy ride and I can’t wait to get it done and over with. Through out the year I’ve had a mix of successes and failures. I won some and then lost some. Many personal wins, but work wise, i am burnt out.

I’d usually be burnt out towards the end of the year, right after all the meetings, but this year it came early. I didn’t even have time to recover before i had to travel again. (I’m not humblebragging ni ah.. just putting out a caveat… huhu I’ve been following Vivy Yusof’s fall from grace and honestly it’s terrifying. It’s a reminder—if you have money or have made it in life, jangan tah show off, just shut the fuck up and fuck off with your millions.Matt and I we share this joke based on a mem on ig “if i have money, i will not say anything but there will be signs”—like topping up your car battery water with Fiji)

…the cabin crew just came over with tea and cake and a serviette with a blue windmill stamped on it. I always dread taking KLM flights cause of the lack of leg space but today im on one of those lucky flights where no one’s sitting in the middle. so i have ample room to wiggle.

yum its dutch apple cake!

aku ani ada adhd kali sebenarnya. i should get it diagnosed. ariatu lupa ku tanya therapist ku. i did ask him if i was bipolar. i asked him this cause i was going through a tough time at work jua… being the self-aware person that i am could feel mcm i was having mood swings bah. i couldnt get up for work, i hated the drive to work..mcm this feeling of dread would come and go and for a moment there i really thought i should have it checked out. skali baik jua nada papa..when i asked him if i was bipolar he looked at me quizzically and flipped through his notes (takut ku sudah) and reassured me, “syazwana, u dont. your feelings are validated, you are going through a tough time”. i was like THANK FUCKING GOD. now i just need have that health scan scheduled… heh.

oh and of course, ill remind to bring up adhd the next time im in therapy.

anyway, back to what i was saying long hours, tight deadlines, and projects that felt like i am jumping through hoops of fire. My colleague and I took it all in stride. We adapted and delivered. And yet, as the December trip approaches, we’ll find ourselves on the sidelines watching the plane take off without us.

Ultimately i have to remind myself that I am more than that trip that i was really looking forward to at the end of the year..recognition isn’t always about where we’re seated or which room we’re in. I shouldn’t give people the power to invalidate my achievements.

So now, the game plan for the next 10 days is not to let anxiety take over and control what you can control – in this case, i’m going to give this last assignment my best. it is not to overshine anyone, god no – but i’m doing it for me.

*makan kopiko 10 biji*

kiss me.

banyak2 sayur..sayur apa yang proud and fabulous? taugay.. huhu

aku mcm impress jua mcm puzzled jua kan org mengudar just bean sprouts as a side dish. i dont know what to think of them to be honest.

on one hand aku mcm impress jua yg they can easily polish off a plate of brg yang nda berasa ani .. at the same time im like why? i can tolerate them but i wudnt necessarily order them on its own haha. it’s funny too, because i don’t see anyone eating them and saying “MMMM nyaman banar taugayy ani ehhhh”.drg pun mcm impartial jua, like they’ll comment on how good the chicken rice is but wud stay silent on the taugay. is it just mcm something on the side to help them aid their digestion kali hahhaha.. mcm ibarat apa ah.. mcm ibarat aku dalam bilikku main computer buka tv. it’s just there for noise.

tapi ada jua lagi sayur lain? mcm spinach kah sawi kah .. broccoli kah..something more wholesome.. ani dui malai yang sayur ibarat 5 oclock shadow ani pun yang kau kan order. harganya kurang labih jua eh mcm sayur biasa.

tp inda apa… haha nya org rambut sama hitam, hati lain lain.

shout out to jeff from the canteen earlier. i was so hungry and i decided to get a portion of the rbc fried chicken. jeff who was serving me asked if he’d like me to fry it again supaya bagi garing2. of course i said YES. kan. it’s good to be friends with semua org. hari hari dpt makan ayam goreng panas panas.

ok bye

i’m sitting here with Ning, who’s working on my pedicure, and she tells me how easily she gets exhausted these days. i asked her how many clients she used to handle in a day. “seven,” she said, without missing a beat. “now, i can only do three.” i couldn’t help but relate. these days, after a single bootcamp session with watchdee, i feel like i need three days to recover before i can go out and see the world again.

staying consistent w my work outs and my running is also a battle in itself. mentally, i’m easily thrown off track, especially when it’s peak season at work. when i finally get home, all i want to do is sleep or, worse, binge-watch and snack. i do my best to avoid the latter, knowing it only leads to a downward spiral but i’m still learning to embrace rest instead of guilt.

lately, i’ve noticed it’s become harder and harder to get up for my morning runs. the motivation that used to push me out of bed has been replaced by the weight of exhaustion. pedicure pun nda lagi ter-pedicure di kadai. massage di rumah. semua ku buat dirumah. i’ll only go out for quick lunch/dinner dates with friends , gym and last minute grocery shopping.

this isnt exactly new though. ive always been like this ganya i feel more exhausted saja these days i think that why my lowkey lifestyle is more apparent to me now. 39 is the world’s most tiring number.

kalau ku tukang urut 35 sudah ku pincin kali.

but i do think that i need to maintain an active lifestyle. i’m sure it’ll help improve my energy levels and my mood swings. my life is now somewhat active. i go to gym 3 times a week. two days of strength training and a day of cardio at bootcamp, whenever i can (until recently) i will run at least 4x a week. but i havent been running… biartia ill just ride it out dulu. as long as im working out 3 times a week i shud still be ok.

this is selfcare and also spoiling myself silly. huhu. di manjai bah ngalih ah.

i have a big trip coming up for work. so maybe im also saving up some mental space for that.

mana saja lah. ill just ride it out for now.

tq. babai kan meliat cerita antu indonesia ku dulu di netflix sementara pagi masih ani hahaha

my husband’s probably the only one who reads here. he flagged to me that the comments section wasn’t working the other day. well.. and now it is.

just woke up from my apres travail nap. that’s french for after work nap. i also have a dejeneur nap (lunch nap) and if i’m really really tired, avant de domir nap – before sleep nap. i really like my sleep. so much that i prioritise it over everything.

i have consulted my therapist (chat gpt) as to why i am always sleeping. one of the answers that came back: stress.

am i stress though? i think i just really like my sleep. i usually make it a point to go to bed by 9:30pm and would wake up at 5am to get ready for my run. the only thing is, sleeping that early would mean waking up at 2am for at least an hour. I’m lucky if it’s an hour, more often that not im lying awake until it’s nearly time to get up.

i experimented going to sleep abit later around 10:30 but it becomes a battle for me to wake up on time.

no idea where im going with this. i just wanted to write.

k bye.