selasai sudah.

Just done with meetings for the year. This is how i feel during the meetings:
stress
hungry all the time
tired
stress
hungry.
stress no excercise.
tired
sleepy.
hungry. hungry.hungry.

How i feel post meetings:
tired.
fat.
tired.
unfit.

the struggle is real. you’d think things would be slightly different now that things have been taken up virtually. inda. sama saja. but i guess the good thing is that it only goes on for a shorter period of time. if they were physical meeting i’d be going without excercise and proper sleep for weeks.

so now. im trying to get back on my feet. a colleague ordered everyone chips earlier today. so that kinda threw me off a little bit. macam how can you say no to perfectly fried hot chips? i’m meant to keep my carb intake under 70g today. tapi mcm nada harapan. i had gone over. way over. but its ok gais, i didnt just stuff my head into a bag of chips without a plan. i HAD planned on running it off. but i’m hearing rolls of thunder as i type this. ok fudge. no running. again. for the second time this week. ok. this will mean that i will have to face the music of digesting potato mush without the help of esesais. to the colleague who offered me chips..i hope you…burn……….have a good life.

i gained 2kilos from working late nights for a week. i need to lose it and improve my fitness before the 21km brunei halfies im running on the 6th. currently im sitting on 2hrs 25minutes. i’d love to see myself complete a half marathon at under 2hours. looks like a far cry. but possible…IF I START SAYING NO TO CHIPS.

ok adios. kiss me.

putin melania puns and pigeons

prior to today i didnt even realise putin melania memes were a thing. i am not at all surprised but i can’t believe ive just missed out on a whole category of memes. i love memes. i love memes, gifs and people who know when and where to use them. lol.

ok i just wanted to write for a bit to take my mind off work.

guess i am stalin.

courage

i thought i had something “philosophical” to write about today. by philosophical i mean end of the week rants. it has been a gruesome week at work with last minute meetings popping up like youtube ads. i have one tomorrow at 10am. yes on a freaking Sunday. it’s a virtual meeting, but it’s still work and it’s eating into my leisure-time. believe it or not I have been denied time off work because these meetings are “virtual” so they apparently don’t account for “real work”. if that’s the case then here is my “report” *hands in a blank sheet of paper* . here is my “brief” *hands in a file of blank papers*. sila meninggal please.

this pandemic has forced us to change the way we work. tani nya yang change tapi operational guidelines nya masih sama. so for how long will we be spending our “weekends” working without being compensated? getting financially compensated is nice, but for now i think i’d settle for the bare minimum: being granted time off. how i wish people could be a little bit more compassionate and be more intuitive to the needs of people around them?. why can’t we normalize “quality time” without coming off as being lazy or entitled? not to mention, mental health should be prioritized too. there’s no point jua expecting people to deliver excellence when they are burnt out. I’m at my best when im well rested.

thing is, if they can’t make you feel valued at work… lol at least let them have proper rest? amah ku tidur kul 8malam jua. nda kami ngacau kecuali kami lupa bawa kunci rumah…he he he. mun kan mau nasi lapas kul 8.. jantah harap. masak tah sendiri please.

oh well atu tah saja grievances ku hari ani. other than that i am okay-ish with work these days. it’s a little bit more peaceful than what it used to be.. i’m not as anxious about it. maybe it’s the forced travelling ban that has made it somewhat bearable. i hated the travelling part. dont get me wrong, it was fun for maybe the first 3 years… and then the novelty just dipped after that. ive been lucky enough to visit countries that i dont think i’d go on my own… but what’s the point when the catch is always work?

i think im burnt out. im so close to quitting. not because i hate my job. i’m just tired. demotivated. exhausted. ngalih ku ngalih. and it’s also that urge of wanting to try out something new? i love the theatrics and gossip that comes with international relations…. tp mau jua ku meliat sinetron lain kan? i’m going to have to dig deep and find the courage to do what i want despite the fear-mongering voices around me.

i’m 35. it’s time to do what I want to do.

yawn.

It’s the last stretch of the year, which means work is piling but grateful for the light at the end of the tunnel (which is the 20th of November) lol. I am also grateful that I don’t have to travel for work this time around. Which means, despite my crazy workload I can still keep my routine. yay.

I’m just thinking about what the remaining days of the year would look like. I haven’t got anything planned but maybe I should do a pop-up for my brownies or something. At least there will be something to look forward to. I’ve been meaning to have a bake sale for a while now but social distancing got in the way. And apart from Munah my only “kitchen staff”…. I am short-staffed. lol. technically Munah isn’t even under me. She’s employed by my Babu. lol. So it’s actuallynya means it’s just me running my own shit and losing my shit (sometimes)!!!!!. I really don’t know how she does it. She does the cleaning for the household, the washing.. and once every two weeks she helps me out for brownies. baik tah check weewee nya kali, tau tau besabu. huhu.


hey my first joke. in ages. *slow clap*

I’ve just realized that i haven’t been as funny. aku mellow sudah tua tua ani. I’ve just been self-reflecting a lot in my writings. kali target audience ku pun berubah sudah… i’m trying to appeal to the “mellowed out – banyak masaalah – tapi bawa besabar dan berdzikir” market segment. hahaha. Who else feels the same way? hahaha.

These days i run from drama. If you see me running on the road i am definitely setting myself free from whatever drama that has “found” me during the day. hahaha. sebenarnya running doesn’t solve problems. it’s like getting likes on instagram, it’s merely a form of instant gratification. the endorphins make you feel a little bit better and tricks you into thinking that your problem is over… tapi sebenarnya it’s far from it. lol. which is why you should always go back to it when you’re sober. journalling helps. but just like getting likes on my ig feed, i still love running.

I am glad i had picked it up in my twenties. i think back then i was travelling alot for work kali and i needed something to anchor me to my fitness. i figured kalau belari i would only need a pair of sneakers.

I finally bought a Garmin. and i am in love with it. it plays music too which means that i do not have to lug my iphone on my runs anymore. barat kali ah iphone ani.. mcm memakai weighted vest bah tu belusir. haha.

i dont know why i didnt purchase one sooner. god knows how many iphones ive gone through over the last 10 years. banyak. pasalnya ia lakas rusak cos over-time it gets soaked in my sweat and tears and i also have a maniacal tendency of dropping it…like it’s hot.

hehe.

i’ll be taking the watch for its first 21km tomorrow.

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ok bye.

Safe spaces.

Don’t you just love the freedom of being in a place and not having to worry about bad encounters or experiences? Macam you mentally cordon off a small safe space for yourself … this could be your bedroom, kitchen or even a parking spot at the office that you label as a stress-free zone. A spot where you are at your most comfortable and where you know that nothing can come between you and your inner peace.

It is only when these spaces are invaded that you realize how attachment and expectations placed on something sucks. you will always (almost) end up getting disappointed.

So one of my spots got invaded recently and I’ve been quite affected by it. I’m sure a new sanctuary isn’t a hard find…but this time, i feel.. mcm why should i? i was here first.

gah. just felt like writing down my feelings today.

that’s all.

midweek blues.

it’s Wednesday. we’re halfway through the week already!

Nothing much happening this week other than the usual things. Hoping that things will pick-up. A splash of good news would be good.

I’m also thinking of ways on how to make this week better for me. When things get super humdrum.. i have started a habit of setting small goals for myself… easily attainable ones.. jangan jua yang mcm berabis berabis payah atu mcm membali rumah 10 bilik atas bukit, jadi bidadari.., menangkap bulan……..atu membari stress jua tu mamanyaa. Just to give you an idea here are my small goals this week:

– cut down sugar.
– bangun sembahyang malam (at least 2 kali)
– stay on low carbs just until Saturday.
– run 3 more times.
– donate to charity.
– try not to give a shit about what people think
– mind my own business.
– reduce screen time by 50%.

well for today, I’m just trying not to eat the Twix that has been sitting in my drawer and maybe get a run in later in the afternoon.

[insert funny thumbs up whatsapp sticker yang cali here]

kiss me.

It’s Sunday.

see i did say i was going to post regularly.

I did my run at BKC this morning and then straight to hot yoga… that is not Bikram.

I miss my Bikram yoga days (sans sex scandal) so i decided to sign up for a hot yoga class at Be Yoga, Kiulap. It’s pretty rare that i venture outside of Serusop but my body was craving the twist and turns of yoga. haha mcm kiulap ani over on the west coast bunyinya and im on the east.

anyway i was aware that the practice didn’t follow bikram sequence but it was still a good workout anyway… and after a long week of fartlek running and weight training my body was screaming for it.

Just gonna take it easy this month. I’m anticipating a very busy Novemeber at work. What’s new kan? the last leg of the year is always the most hectic.


Have a good week everyone.

Namaste.

Sambungan post yang seriatu.

I have decided that i will write again.

Because i dont have the guts to vlog. bida jua tu kamu meliat idung ku kambang kampis arah screen kamu? haha.

So picking up where we left off:

The global pandemic led me to improve my running..i ran like i was running away from it.

I started 10 years ago. I remember how it took me an hour to do a short 3km around the stadium.

This gradually decreased to 21-25 minutes and then I slowly added my distance. but because of work commitments that had taken me overseas, I was not able to be consistent, and often after weeks of being away, I come home only to start again.

In the 10 years that I’ve been running: I’ve participated in a handful of fun runs, had the privilege of running in cities like New York, London, Budapest, Tokyo, been sexually assaulted, witnessed the change in seasons first hand and completed a half marathon – all at a pace of 7km/h or slower. lol.

not traveling means that I could take this opportunity to improve my running. which I did. and now I can confidently do a 10km under 6.5km/h. of course, functional training helped too, which i picked up at a nearby Crossfit gym. oops dont think we can say CrossFit anymore….. “Mmmhmm” gym lol. The goal is to do 5km easily under 30 minutes.

Aside from my love for cardio, I also gym hop to weight lift. gym 3 inggit mamanya. My body has transformed since January and I’m hoping that i will be able to maintain these results even once covid is over and i start travelling for work again.

it’s gonna be difficult. but i guess i’ll cross the bridge when i get there?

of all the “fitness” things ive experimented with, running has resonated the most. there’s just something about it that is liberating. banar pulang it doesn’t solve your problems..but I feel the strongest and the most beautiful when i run 🙂

If you have are struggling to motivate yourself, don’t worry you are not alone..i struggle for years and i am still working it. just keep at it. visualizing yourself in your ideal body and the state of mind you want to achieve helps.

For me, it’ s not just about building a strong body. but also a strong mind. i believe the latter would help me to continue to work towards achieveing my goals and attaining new ones.

ok byeeeee.

dont forget to comment and subscribe!

kiss me.

I should write more often.

this is me trying to write more often.

Someone’s been looking through my old posts. I cringe at the thought of what you guys may find (keep it to yourself please!).

I grew up blogging. somewhere between 2005 and 2020, I grew up. I should perhaps hide my archives but then again..looking at it objectively, I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

Writing was second nature to me. it probably still is, it’s just that I haven’t been able to focus on it. But now entering the “new norm” we’ve been somewhat stripped off some of our worldly distractions and have no choice but to focus inwards. That’s what I have been doing, getting to know myself a little bit more.

I didn’t realise how distracted I have been in the last decade or so. 10 years is a long time to be distracted. So what has changed since Covid? how have i progressed?

Well.

skajap aku pikir….

Sabar.

Sabar/Patience is a hard skill to master. I’m that girl who would absolutely love to honk the car in front of me just as soon as the traffic lights turn green. It would be ok to do it in Brussels or New Delhi…. in Brunei not so much..(kalau takut pemarang)

But yes. At least these days I am more mindful of it. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but to be patient. It’s work in progress with pretty subjective results.

For me, Sabar is when I stop reacting to strong emotions. there’s a breathing technique I’ve learned which has helped. Although I have yet to let it help me banar-banar. I guess these things will only resonate when it does huh? mcm ani kalau ku benapas banar2 pun masih jua marah atu. last last malamkan nya org.

“Mun marah, malamkan”; one of the best advice I’ve received from an urang lama lol.

kiss me.