dalam perjalanan ini,
mencari arti mengenali diri,
siapa kita sebenarnya,
tika dan waktu suatu suratan,
akhirnya ketemu…

akhirnya ketemu…

aku rindu.

a list of (no)things

In the last year, everytime i thought of a joke and there’s NOBODY around to share it with, I’ve made a habit of writing them down in my notepad. I reckon i’d be able to publish a book of jokes by the end of my posting..mcm.. knock knock? who’s there? NOBODY.

damn right it’s nobody.. nobody …nobody..but you. so sad 🙁

Living alone has its ups and downs. On one hand, you have nobody to share your lame jokes with. On the other..you can run around telanjang in your house and no one bloody cares you enjoy your space. I love my alone time. even more than i like fried chicken. i like it alot to the point of anti social. I love waking up to nothing to do.. and not knowing what to do. I like taking my time thinking about what to eat for lunch.. contemplating gym.. and what to watch next on Hulu. I love my The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon. I like my uninterrupted hot showers.. and the mini facials i give myself every night before going to bed. I love making quick trips to the boucherie to buy my contrefillet and pieces of blanc de poulet..and running to the nearest deli when i run out of milk.. i love reading french signage out loud when i’m in the car…and cackle at myself when i know that i’m pronouncing it wrong.. i love filling up my car tank by myself..i love snacking on the best gaufres in the gaufre planet as i quietly stroll down the frozen isle in Carrefour..

i love when i randomly blog like this…

things are looking up. i’ve finally settled to this ‘new life –

almost a year later.

good things take time. it involves alot of patience.

gosh. so much shit to remember.


Happy new year!

Fresh start with resolutions as fresh as eggs bought from Carrefour Express over the holidays. Not really fresh. I’m just trying to improve on previous resolutions and staying happy is one of them. I had a hard time figuring out how to achieve this. One could tell that I’m unhappy by my clothing size or the size of my cheeks – the unhappier i am the chubbier these cheeks get. I’m not just a stress eater..but I’m still trying to figure out this whole ‘being happy’ thing. I’ve conversed with some friends about it. Some suggest that it’s all about living in the moment. Macam wowwwwww… how pilipilisopicals.

Anyway,through these “conversations”, i have also made it a point to use the word ‘depressed’ carefully. The word is more technical than what meets the eye. I’ve been using it liberally, insensitive to those who are actually going through it. So now, instead of being ‘depressed’ I’m just going to be ‘sad’. Two different things. I wonder what people are thinking when I tell them I was ‘depressed’. They probably thought I was really petty once I start listing out my problems the size of a basic bitch.

I now realised that one of the contributing factors to this ‘pursuit of happiness’ is the ability to do what you love. For me, this involves being outside, running and staying fit, being around family and friends and my cats. So when I moved here and had these things temporarily ‘removed’ from my life, that’s when things started going down-hill. It took me a year to recognize that my life needed some improvising. So here is what i’m going to do this year – instead of:

Running outside, I’ll just run at the gym and do 90 minutes of Bikram Yoga – 5 times a week.

To keep me company – I’ll get a cat…hehe just kidding MOM.. I will try to travel more. I like being in my own company. Maybe I’ll like it even more when I’m in different environments where I can see, learn new things. Another option is to make new friends…………………………uh yeah i’ll think about it.

Spending on unnecessary things to fill a void, I need to save money. cause I know I’ll feel really good about this when it matters. I’m also trying to detach from material things. I know that It’s an unhealthy obsession mostly fueled by vanity and jealousy..*lowers voice* …..but maybe just after i strike off one more bag from my list. It’s going to be the last one. I promise. I cringed as i typed the last sentence, but I’m being honest.

Eating Junk. Fried and processed food mostly. I will eat healthy. When you eat well you feel good… when you look good you feel good and when you feel good you can love yourself just a little bit more (this can be my mantra).

These are my #2016G0ALS. Other than lifestyle modifications.. I would also like to see it that I am more grateful for what I have each year, more patience for whatever is it that is going to be thrown my way – i must remember NOT to sweat the small stuff and to be a little bit more kinder not just to others, but also to myself.

When everyday is your birthday.

so you think it’s going to be your year? lol. Step off, i was here first. lol.

What’s your New Year’s resolution?

kiss me.

Dilwale 2015

Brussels has been kind to me since i came back from my short trip to Brunei. So kind that along with the rest of the world they’ve decided to screen the much anticipated movie of 2015 – Starwa…. DILWALE. If i didn’t ask the office boy at work if he watched hindi films i wouldn’t have known that it was playing here and was thiiiis close to jumping on the next Eurotrain (in the style of Chennai Express) to London just to see it.

The movie was so good that i felt the need to write about it. In leading up to the movie I made sure i watched Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. Which was apparently the movie that they claimed to be the beginning of SRK and Kajol’s on-screen romance. Unfortunately, DDLJ did nothing for me, but i’m cutting it some slack, it would’ve probably made a difference had i watched it when it first screened 15 years ago.

Anyway 15 years later, Dilwale came out promising a continuity to this chemistry and so much more and it freakin DELIVERED. It’s like discovering Hindi movies for the first time. Remember that time when Kuch Kuch Hota Hai came out? and the whole world celebrated? Exactly the same feeling. There’s just something about Bollywood movies that resonates within you and like a good book, i love getting lost in them.

DILWALE deserves a DIWALI of its own.

The locations it was filmed in also made all the difference. I am beginning to see how Europe is made for Hindustan!!! Its vast mountainous landscapes, lush flower fields, big blue skies are all meant for a remarkable bollywood affair 🙂

I’ve downloaded the OST off itunes and it’s been on repeat since Christmas. Adele? ha siapa Adele? Justin Bieber? Siapa tu? hehe.

If you have an opportunity to watch the movie go and watch it and celebrate Kajol and the undisputed King of Bollywood – Shah Rukh Khan!!!!

kiss me.

Will the real Syazwana please stand up?

I’ve been meaning to blog about this for a very long time.

So I am one of those people who got on to the gmail bandwagon when it first started and therefore was lucky enough to have my name as an email address. Just my name NO sk8er numbers, NO sharp underscores. It just simply says ‘syazwana’ on my email. And for as long as i can remember, I’ve always received emails coming from other ‘Syazwanas’ in the world…of Malaysia.

It first started off ‘innocently’ with registration confirmation for facebook accounts and I have deactivated and deleted at least 3 Syazwana accounts in the last couple of years. Then telephone bills from DIGI started coming in addressed to a WAN SYAZWANA. At one point, i was receiving work related emails from the Ministry of Health of Malaysia. Troubled by its sensitivities, I have tried emailing back to tell them that the gmail account does not correspond to the SYAZWANA that they are trying to reach.I also get numerous instagram and facebook alerts requesting for new passwords.. wtf kan?

Oh. i forgot to mention that i also have @Syazwana for my instagram account.

It’s the same on instagram. I get tagged alot on faces that doesn’t belong to me. Macam aiks..sejak bila ku memakai tudong planet?

So okay, faking emails for facebook accounts i can somewhat comprehend but i wonder what all these other Syazwanas are thinking when they give their telephone providers and work place the wrong email address? these are like actual institutions! and mind you, the emails i get usually contains REAL PERSONAL INFORMATION? KALAU KU JAHAT??? Kalau ku perompak? Kalau ku kan mau recruit orang jadi DOWNLINE ku?

Eh bodoh le awax ni banar,tak paham lah SAYE..

So why am i only raising the issue on my blog today?



I was going through my email when i saw BONIA. I was like eh? when did i sign up to fucking Bonia??? Mesti si WAN SYAZWANA atau Si NOR Syazwana membali bag baru ni. btw, ada year end sale 50% (PERATUS ok?)

Bonia isn’t the problem. It’s just that i hate having to second guess MYSELF. mcm… oh maybe i did signed up to Bonia? (in a parallel fucking universe). u know that LALI feeling when you think u did something but you’re not sure? It’s like when you’re on your way to the airport thinking that you’ve left something behind but you dont know apa? (sekalinya barus gigi..) Yes. That! and i absolutely hate it.

My email’s just THAT convenient kali. kalau ku bejumpa drg ani si wan syazwana si nor syazwana, ill sit them down and have them memorize their OWN email addresses…or ku suruh durang buat email durang sendiri dapan ku.. antah imagine ku kalau malaikat betanya durang dalam kubur ‘HOII MANUSIA APA EMAIL KAMU..’ … syazwana@gmail.com


skali.. kana tanya lagi ‘TETAPKAN LALUAN KATA INSTAGRAM KAMU’ ..’forgot password – email to syazwana@gmail.com new password’.


banar tah kamu ani.


ok bye.

Kasi kambang up sikit.

Wah. Where did the year go? I spent at least 9 months ..no..not pregnant. but feeling sorry for myself. 9 months of pity-partying and now i’m slowly calming-down from its effects – a good thing. I am so grateful for being allowed to take 3 weeks leave from Europe which is all that i need to recuperate. The tropical sun and the warmth of family, Pepinot and Bane did help to bring back a little bit of colour to my face. I’m currently blogging from London, two euro train stops away from Brussels which i now call home. I start work Monday. I should promise myself at least 2 weeks of Bruniean vacation a year. I am now ready to face another year blood, sweat and tears. I’m approaching Brussels with a pair of fresh eyes and hopefully a stonger heart!

In Brunei, I ran, i ate, i laughed and i ‘Gegared Veganzad’ my time away, like Nassier Wahab’s face, i feel rejuvenated and young again. Like all the other times, i don’t really expect this feeling to last but i’m just going to have to live in the moment. u know lah, life! sometimes u upstey, sometime u downstey..thats why when u downstey it’s important for you to be around the right people.. just to make it a little bit easier for you to bounce back. I cannot wait till my next Bruneian holiday. uh. lama lagi plang. Tapi paling yang ku inda miss, paci paci yang penguratan di stadium atu. like PULEAZE. PULEAZE ok.

PULEAZE *emoji kuku cutex warna ping* buleh lagi kamu UP kan sikit game mengurat kamu atu? Mun muka yewww mcm muka nassier wahab kah Ramli M.S kah nda jua kenapauuu..ani mcm… ntah ah inda ME tau apa ME kan ckp.. tp SHADAP. I was cooling down after a run when a group of uncles walked towards me, i had my earphones on but my music was off when a paci went “Assalamualaikum…” when i didn’t reply and continued looking ahead he added “ee..pdntah nda menjawab, pakai earphone rupanya”. skali aku pusing aku ckp SHADAP.ok. i SHRIEKED. i said SHADAP.. in a shriek-y angered voice. skali durang ketawakan aku ucapkan aku perasan. oh. nasib jadi seorang perempuan. di jawab kana ucap gatal, inda di jawab kana ucap tuli, di lawan kana ucap perasan. lol. i knew i shudnt have reacted the way i did, but it came almost like a reflex. Was more of a misplace displace anger kinda situation kali. 3 months ago, in brussels, i was sexually harassed at the park on my first day back of running. skali sampai ani lah kali trauma, i just hate the fact that a girl can’t run in peace. if a girl has been sexually harassed di Brunei people would be quick to judge them by their clothing and behaviour…what is disappointing the same judgement would also be passed by women.bukan apa tani sebagai perempuan mesti jua menyokong perempuan lain. dimana saja..sama ada di rumah, di tampat keraja..di stadium..atau dimana jua berada. makasehhh. tapi puas plang atiku ku teraisi paci atu..hwahwahwa..krg ani nda lagi main besalam paci..main SWIPE RIGHT. wooo.

masak sudah ku laki2 mengambang ani.. hahaha.. ada lagi ariatu kami di Kadai Komunis… inda jua ‘ariatu’ lah’ time nya bejual dvd cetak rompak masih. An uncle went up to the sales girl and dangan senyaring nyaring suaranya betanyakan kalau ada “DVD STEVEN SEAGAL BARU” when the sales girl asked “AH APA?” kuat lagi ia menjawab “STEVEN SEAGAL BAH. STEVEN SEAGAL. YANG BARU!” lolllzzzzzz mcm lagi kuat ya ckp steven seagal atu mikin basar muscle di dada nya. mikin nyaring, mikin SADO hahahahahaha. mun aku sales girl atu ku tawakan kali eh.. PACI.. STEVEN SEAGAL BARU PACI?????????????????????????? banyak injek steroid kali kita ani paci… sadar kita kah ani taun 2015…SS nda lagi pemes……….. pemes lagi Nassier Wahab.

kdg2 cali2 the characters that u bump into.. i was with Elush on a roadtrip to Nafi for the first time. Somehow we made the wrong turn and drove into British Garrison ..when we asked the abang security for the directions to Nafi..he told us in what we think was his most sweetest sing-a-song voice.. ‘YOU keluar sini..kanan, skali YOU nampak BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM…skali kiri’. We quickly thanked him and made our way….. MCM KAMI TAU SAJA APA BAM ANI KAN? BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. mmm..banai ta tewww..

HUMP tu dearrr..bukan BAM..

bam bam bam bam bam…

mmm..BAMai ta tew.

ok. pukul 9 sudah.


kiss me.

Before leaving Brunei, I was showered with really warm farewells. My good friends, all of them, cleared their calendars to make time to see me for a farewell coffee session, farewell dinner, farewell run at the stadium, farewell brownie bake sale. Some of these friends I’ve known all my life, some of them I just met not too long ago but all of them had put in the same effort. My sisters were also quick to point out how lucky i am to have this big(ish) group of friends that really cared.

I do have really good friends. So good, that sometimes i feel guilty for not being able to repay their kindness. You see, I may not be lucky in the love department but it’s good to know that i have friends that i can really rely on. Friends that i know who would be there for me no matter what – ada duit kah nada duit kah, lampoh kah kurus kah, bida kah lawa kah..bejagok kah inda kah.. ada bag chanel ka nada bag chanel ka..ada make up itu la..nada make up ini lah..babi kah barok kah… …

It took me a lot of trial and errors to get here but I have found my posse and I’m holding them close to my heart.

That’s the thing about meeting new people. You meet a lot of them, but it’s pretty rare that anything would come out of it. It’s either a hit of a miss. Most times it’s a miss. Anyway, being single and 30.. i realise how important it is to maintain these relationships exsp when you’re in a frosty weathered foreign country that gets dark by 5pm. loneliness definitely has a way of creeping in. Being in touch with my friends is just the thing you need to feel or fuzzy and warm inside.

Kan. God is fair like that. Yes i dont have a BF..but i have lots of lots of BFF who i can get in touch with at the touch of a button. kajap..aku bedoa dulu ah:

To my friends, wherever you are, I pray for your safety, for your health and happiness.

Monday beckons

Three weeks into exercising and i have finally lost 1kg. A far cry from what i was aiming but I’m just relieved that I am still capable of losing weight. So relieved that I decided to treat myself to a generous spread of kaya on toast. So generous, i may have as well have doused the whole bottle of Kaya.

It’s true what they say, it is what you eat that matters. I am trying to wean off sugar and because i craved chicken rice so much i made a quinoa version yesterday – which was so good, i forgot to take a photo. I probably owe this week’s achievement to all the work related lunch/dinner/receptions i attended this week. European hospitality is ‘carefully rationed’ in a sense that for lunch you’d usually get served pieces of sourdough bread with some cheese on top and if you’re really lucky,a side of salad and some anti-pasti like cold smoked ham – which is ahem. haram.

Now that i’m on a diet and committed to losing all this weight i’ve packed in the last 7 months, I say BRING IT ON, kalau boleh banyak banyak lagi HAM please so that i can totally have a reason not to have anything haha. Ok.

Here’s a best kept secret that everyone should know about me: I DONT LIKE CURED MEATS. i hate anything smoked or aged. be it ham or beef or chicken. anything smokey i cannot have. i can’t tell you how many people i’ve offended due to this great distaste for ‘smoked-anything’..this is probably the only thing that i feel obliged to turn down. i cannot guys. sorry. other than smoked salmon everything else is….yucks. spaghetti with sausages? yuck. pizza topped with salami, pepperoni – yuck. hot dogs…- yuck. I don’t care if you guys says its nyaman, I AM NEVER GOING ANYWHERE NEAR IT. It’s my kryptonite, like nails on chalk board.. i cannot. absolutely cannot.

I was frying up my quinoa with what i thought was pure chicken fat yesterday when it started smelling like sausages. I ran to the fridge and got out the bag of what i thought was chicken lard.. true enough, it said ‘smoked chicken ham’ on the package..at first i was was against throwing good quinoa into the trash.. but the longer it was on the stove, the stonger it smelled of sausages..so i had no choice but to throw it away and started frying up a new batch of quinuo – sans chicken anything.

anyway. monday beckons.

good night.

Summary of activities since i last posted

– ran on treadmill for two weeks
– lost a kilo
-attempted making pumpkin cupcakes. failed on the cream cheese icing (as expected).
– currently obsessed with Justin Beiber
– this song on repeat: ‘what do you mean – Justin Bieber’
– only ran once this week cos of work commitments; will try to drag ass back to gym tomorrow.
– cravings for Tim Tam satisfied with Penguins.
-gained back a kilo
-waiting to try Pilates
– i need nasi lemak and fried chicken in my life.
– throwing a farewell for a friend who will be finishing up her tenure here, it’s going to be a dinner of nasi lemak and fried chicken. next saturday. i cannot wait.
-currently watching Coffee Prince on Netflix
– just a thought: running on treadmill nothing like running outside, this is the longest that ive gone without running outdoors and it’s making me miserable.
– another thought: need to persevere. the treadmill is all i have.
– planning a trip to Melbourne at the end of the year.
– turning off facebook and switching whatsapp numbers so nobody can find me.
– being away just reminded me that not everybody is sincere. you leave home for a new country, suddenly you get msgs from ppl on fb who never bothered saying hi, asking if they could stay with your for a week and use your tax free benefits.
-reminded me of my student days sans diplomatic discount.
– definitely deactivating facebook and changing whatsapp numbers.

so there’s your update.